Excerpts from The Believer: No One Gave It to You
I Brought Your Child an Oversized Lollipop Because I Hate You
To Keep Americans Safe, the Press Must Only Publish Hot Photos of Me
Party Games for Fifty-Somethings
A Couple Tries to Get a Mortgage Approval in an Equal Parts Plausible, Dystopian, and Not-So-Distant Future
Despite This Terrible War, We Must Never Lose Sight of the Value of Each and Every Precious Shipping Container
Next Season on David Ellison’s The Pitt
The Woodland Dystopian Writers Guild
A Message from Your University President on the Recent Hippopotamus Attacks
Introducing: Free Time
Iran Has Been an Imminent Threat to the U.S. for Forty-Seven Years
What the Thousand-Year Blood Reign Means for Gas Prices
Why I, Lucifer, Rejected a Deal for Donald Trump’s Soul
To Get Hot, Break Your Jaw. Then Everything Else
Excerpts from The Believer: Ask Carrie: Winter 2025
The Story of Art + Water
I’m the Second-Born Bridgerton Son, and I Don’t See Race
A.I. Checks in After Bombing Iran to See If You Still Think Its Bubble Is Bursting
Social Media Post Template for Influencers Stranded by the War
“Just Peachy,” and Other Fruity Feelings
I Am Fighting Back Against the Trump Administration by Moving to Portugal
Our Company Mourns a Beloved Employee, Whom We Must Replace Immediately
Does Your Country Need Regime Change? A Quiz
I’m Pepsi, and I’m Actually Okay
The Solution to the Male Loneliness Epidemic Is for Men to Bust Science Myths with Each Other
Congratulations to Me, a Kamala Harris Voter, Who Got Exactly What I Voted For
Revisions for Your Hopelessly Optimistic Dystopian YA Novel
Excerpts from The Believer: Sports Books I Have Read or Written
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: January 2026: Atrocities 658-730
I Am Dyeing My Hair Brown
Open-Hearted in Minneapolis
You Think New York is Bad? Try Living in Roku City
My Fellow Americans, We Are Richer Than Ever Before. Well, You Aren’t, but We Are
McSweeney’s Books: McSweeney’s and Broadway Video Present: Documentary Now! (Fourth Edition, Revised and Expanded)
Maura Quint’s State of the Union Recap
Being a Luddite Is Cool and All, but Have You Seen the Hilarious Tapestries These New Looms Are Making?
New Protein Menus
Introducing Our Lord and Savior, the College’s New Strategic Initiative
The Most Likely Ways We Would Have Died in the Winter Olympics
Upon Review, It Looks Like President Nyarlathotep’s Small Business Soul Harvest Is Technically Against the Rules
